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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26485702">as long as i'm here as i am (so are you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveLaughLovex/pseuds/LiveLaughLovex'>LiveLaughLovex</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Blue Bloods (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canonical Character Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Grieving, Post-Season/Series 10 Finale, Pregnancy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:08:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26485702</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveLaughLovex/pseuds/LiveLaughLovex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On the fifteenth anniversary of Mary Reagan's death, Eddie finds Jamie in their daughter's nursery, staring absentmindedly at the pastel green walls.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Edit "Eddie" Janko/Jamie Reagan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>as long as i'm here as i am (so are you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The title comes from "In Case You Don't Live Forever" by Ben Platt.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jamie was in the nursery when Eddie finally found him, sitting in the rocking chair gifted to them by his family and staring absentmindedly at the pastel walls. He glanced in her direction when she entered the room, offering her a smile that was more perfunctory than anything else, then returned his attention to the walls, carrying on with his silent contemplation of the mural Nicky had finished a week earlier.</p>
<p>Eddie bit back a sigh, her eyes pricking with tears as she observed her husband. It was several minutes past one o’clock in the morning, meaning that he’d been silently grieving his way through the fifteenth anniversary of his mother’s death for the past hour and six minutes. If his steady silence and the look in his eyes were anything to go by, the time spent alone had done him absolutely no good.</p>
<p>“Hi,” she greeted softly, one hand drifting to her growing abdomen as a tiny foot kicked at her ribs.</p>
<p>“Hi,” he returned just as quietly, the hint of a smile curling his lips upward as he glanced over at her. “Is she kicking?”</p>
<p>“She is,” Eddie sighed, waving a hand in the air when he moved to stand from his seat. “No, no, I should keep standing. Balancing on my own two feet, you know. Right now, I can stand up without immediately wanting to sit back down, which, based on what your sister has said, is something I should cherish.”</p>
<p>He huffed a laugh, shaking his head once. “You know some of the stuff she says is just to screw with you, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes, but she’s not the only one who’s said it,” she retorted humorously, glancing around the space with a soft smile. “I think <em>everyone’s</em> said it, actually. Or everyone I know who’s been pregnant, at least.”</p>
<p>“Mm.” He ran his hand down her arm, wrapping his fingers gently down her wrist, and then raised her hand to his mouth to press a kiss to her palm. “The kicking why you’re awake?”</p>
<p>She shook her head. “Got up for a drink of water. The other side of the bed was empty, so I figured I’d come and find you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sorry, I just…” He trailed off, dragging the hand not held in hers over his eyes. “Couldn’t sleep, I guess.” He glanced around the space once more, then stood slowly. “C’mon. Let’s go to the living room.”</p>
<p>She followed him down the hall and to the sofa, curling up against his side the second he was situated. His hand went automatically to her stomach, flashing a genuine grin as their daughter landed a kick to his palm almost immediately. They sat there for several minutes, comfortably silent and content just to feel their daughter’s sporadic movements. The clock read 1:20 when Jamie exhaled heavily and – finally – began to speak.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, you know. I know I’ve been, uh, I haven’t been as present as I could be, these last few weeks, and you deserve better than that, Eddie.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” she rushed to assure him – because it was. Fifteen years had passed since his mother’s death, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still grieving the loss, especially this year. Her husband was less than five months away from welcoming a little girl who’d never have a chance to meet his mother, let alone know her. She knew him well enough after all these years to know how heavily that weighed on him.</p>
<p>“I just… I can’t stand that she’s missing all this,” he settled on after a moment. “All these milestones.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Eddie murmured softly, resting her head on his shoulder as his hand tightened around hers. “I wish I’d gotten a chance to meet her, tell her what a good person she raised.”</p>
<p>“She would have loved you. From the second she met you. Would’ve been after me to use that ring five, six years ago.” He chuckled sadly, the sound muffled by her sleep-mussed hair. “And she’d be… man, she would be <em>so</em> excited about the baby. Sean was only two months old when she… when we lost her, and it – I think, at the end, she’d just accepted what was happening, you know? She was still fighting, but she’d acknowledged what was coming. But she was upset to be leaving us all, to be leaving him before she got to even know him, really.”</p>
<p>Eddie felt her eyes prick at that, but she tried to swipe away the tears before he noticed them. “She’d be proud of you,” she said definitively. “I might not have known her, but I know that. If all the stories I have heard about Mary Reagan are true, then she’d be so proud of you, Jamie. All of you.”</p>
<p>He nodded. “Yeah. I know that, too.”</p>
<p>They fell silent for another few moments before Eddie tentatively spoke up. “What about Mary?”</p>
<p>“What about Mary for what?” Jamie returned confusedly, glancing down at her curiously.</p>
<p>“For the baby’s middle name. We haven’t been able to decide on one, and… well, your mom, she had a pretty big part in making you who you are, right? I mean, you’ve said that. You adore your mother. So, I just, I was wondering…”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Jamie cut in before she could finish, hazel eyes damp as they met hers. “Thank you, Eddie.”</p>
<p>“Like I said,” Eddie breathed, smiling up at him, “Mary Reagan raised one of the best people I know. I want our daughter to know who’s responsible for her having such an amazing father.”</p>
<p>Jamie smiled at that but didn’t otherwise respond. “So… Hanna Mary?”</p>
<p>“Hanna Mary,” Eddie confirmed, grinning up at him. “Between your mother, brother, and grandmother, and my great-great-grandmother, I think this kid’s going to have plenty of guardian angels watching her back, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he agreed softly, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I do.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you're all still staying safe and sane out there!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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